Lose Yourself (or your hair)

A brief recount of my haircut last week:

On my way out of the office, I began asking several friends where they had their hair cut.  “There’s several places downstairs.” I was told.  Being in the middle of the Central Business District (CBD) I figured they might be a bit pricey, but I was none the less shocked when I found that a simple male haircut would cost either S$48 or S$42, depending on where I went.  Other suggestions ranged between S$25 – S$35.  Unwilling to break my longstanding tradition of sub $15 haircuts, I held out until I heard of a “place where they’re only S$6.  Attracted by the price, I followed my buddy Projjal to the top of a large technology mall, where I found Kimage Hairdressing School.  My nerves were a bit shaken, but it would only cost S$6, and worst case they could shave it, right?

Payment was taken up front (clever), and the receipt had a five line disclaimer ensuring one would not receive indemnity payments should things go haywire.  “This will make a good story.” I thought.  I was led to a chair facing a mirror with several diagrams of what I assume was a “proper” (albeit very generic) haircut.  After staring at a combination of the diagrams plus the disclaimer for half an hour, a very nice Singaporean girl wheeler her cart of “supplies” over to me, and asked “how you like?”  While smiling and patient, I assume these were the only English words she knew, because every description I attempted did not seem to compute.

I suppose some gesture that I made during my descriptions caught her fancy, because she started straight away, busily trimming and rapidly learning that Italian heads hold roughly three times the hair of most Asian heads.  Her scissors seemed to be suffering.

I was amused, though slightly nervous, when Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” came on the radio.  Allow me to quote a few lyrics:

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?”

“Please don’t slip.” I thought.  As far as one’s haircut goes, I think “one opportunity” an accurate description.  The lyrics went on:

“[Her] palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on [her] sweater already, Mom’s spaghetti
[S]he’s nervous, but on the surface [s]he looks calm and ready…”

By this point, “palm sweaty” and “nervous” seemed to be fairly accurate descriptions of my hairdresser.  She made attempts towards “calm and ready,” but I was unconvinced.  However, encouraged by the lack of regurgitated spaghetti on her sweater, I let things continue, and the song played on.

“[S]he’s chokin’, how everybodys jokin’ now
The clock’s run out, time’s up over, blah!”

This was about the time she got the the sideburns.  Either she was trying to resurrect Elvis’ eternally popular mutton chops, or she was afraid to cut any more.  Either way, I was left with fashionable ear trimmings and a jagged line of hair extending from the chops all the way back to my neck.  More lyrics:
“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You want it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime”

This was certainly turning into a “once in a lifetime” haircut.  She was now refusing to cut any length off the front, despite the fact that the back was now sporting a nice conical cowlick of shorter hairs.  The sides (above the chops) were chopped, and I think there was some attempt at a layering technique, whatever that means.  The only information I really gleaned from the situation was that I was being mocked in Mandarin, because “Wai guo ren” (translated as “foreigner”) was being used by nearly every observing nearby party, and I was clearly the only non-native in the room.

When all was said and done, the nice woman’s teacher came by and straightened up a few things.  He taught the girl some techniques for “Wai guo ren’s hair,” and she practiced several times before proclaiming my hair a finished work.

At the end of the day, I was exceptionally pleased.  A hair wash, cut, and wash again riddled with comedy for the low price of S$6.  I’ll be back in the near future.